The Cost and Value of Integrity

A few months ago US Vice President Mike Pence was attacked by much of the US media and commentary for what has become known as “The Pence Rule”.

During his 12 years in Congress, Pence had rules to avoid any infidelity temptations, or even rumors of impropriety. Those included requiring that any aide who had to work late to assist him be male, never dining alone with a woman other than his wife, and not attending an event where alcohol is served unless Karen was there.

In a 2002 interview with The Hill, Pence called it, “building a zone around your marriage.”

Source: The Washington Post.

For this comment Mike Pence faced a chorus of howling complaints (and a few cheers).

Mike Pence should be honoured by the fact that the media took to calling it the “Pence rule”. I suspect it fit the desired narrative for the attackers to target Pence than someone whose character was less impeachableFrom The Leadership Secrets of Billy Graham,

“We all knew evangelists who had fallen into immorality while separated from their families by travel,” Billy wrote. “We pledged among ourselves to avoid any situation that would have even the appearance of compromise or suspicion. From that day on, I did not travel, meet, or eat alone with a woman other than my wife…”

It may seem quaint and impractical in this day of casual relationships between the sexes to be so rigid about meeting with someone of the opposite sex – but it worked for Billy and his team. They eliminated any suspicion of problems. While on the road, the team travelled together and occupied adjoining hotel rooms, or at least rooms in close proximity. By not travelling along, they minimized temptations. And each team member committed to never being alone with a woman who was not his wife. (page 55).

Plenty of people were willing to attack Pence, not so many Graham… I wonder why?

There’s a few points I’d like to make:

This is Mike Pence’s personal rule. Let me repeat that: personal. Though I know of others who follow it (or variants), no one is trying to make it law (at least not in Western countries). It’s a decision that he’s made to protect himself, his wife and his marriage. Not to mention all the women potentially involved, their children, spouses, wider families and their friends.

It’s a smart rule. I think it is a smart rule for anyone. For a politician, in the public and never-blinking eye, I’m willing to say it’s dumb not to embrace some pretty strict rules. Yes, technically before a court of law you’re innocent until proven guilty, but for a politician where perception is reality, everyone has a camera and can tweet their unverified rumours and get a thousand re-tweets within seconds… can anyone really argue it’s not a smart move?

There’s a reason. Men know the kind of thoughts that run through their brains. Very few women truly understand this; we are just so different. The very first glimmer of sexual attraction often starts visually for men. It doesn’t matter if we’ve never talked to you, or your values and views are polar-opposites to ours. If you’re attractive, we are likely to notice.

That doesn’t mean bad behaviour on our part is acceptable or unavoidable. It is possible for us to reign in our thoughts and control our eyes so we aren’t just a bunch of drooling neanderthals. However, that self-control means sometimes we’re going to implement rules for ourselves which you just can’t comprehend or see the need for. You need to understand: this thing is on a hair-trigger.

But the rule isn’t there because, “if I dine alone with a woman an affair is a certainty.” That isn’t the case, but as acknowledged by Willard Harley in “His Needs, Her Needs – Building an Affair-Proof Marriage” affairs often start out as “just being friends”. As Pence said, it’s a “zone around his marriage”. Think of it like a fire-break. You build and maintain the fire-break to protect what you have in the event of a fire.

As blogger Tim Challies notes,

The Billy Graham Rule is not a universal law mandated by the Bible, but a personal rule mandated by conscience. It is not a biblical law but an attempt to flesh out a biblical principle (sexual purity and/or being seen as above reproach). Many will follow the Rule according to their best understanding of how to ensure they are honoring God. In so doing they will be heeding their conscience…

Some complained that it disadvantaged women, because they would be excluded from important informal times at work. Yes, sadly that’s a likely effect. But the rule does cuts both ways (even if, disproportionally) – men can’t have lunches with their female bosses. But if we were going to make things entirely fair, should we also put a stop to the smoking circle? What about those who play sport or run together, doesn’t that disadvantage the disabled?

The world isn’t fair and people don’t get treated equally. Not every player wins a prize and sometimes your skills won’t be acknowledged. That’s life. It’s unfair that we can read and some in the world can’t, should we stop reading?

Besides, it’s not an insurmountable problem. The wise boss would make time to invest in all his staff. Meetings could be one-on-one, but in a public place, or behind closed doors, with the blinds open. The application of a boundary doesn’t mean that men and women aren’t going to talk to each other any more.

There is a cost of integrity. In some parts of the world that cost is death but for us in the West it is more often just ridicule. Mike Pence felt it and so do others. They look strange. They are accused of things which are untrue and unfair. They pay the cost, because they know the value. Pence is protecting his integrity, his wife and the marriage they have built together. He made a commitment to her and is doing whatever it takes to keep that commitment.

You remember ‘commitment’ right? Doctors doing no harm, journos reporting the truth and politicians serving the people? If only we had more of it.


The Danger of Boring Bits

I must begin this by saying every reader is different. What I find fascinating you might consider yawn-worthy, and visa versa. Grammar and punctuation are largely objective, the quality of a story is subjective: beauty (or ugliness) is in the eye of the beholder.

Last weekend I was reading a novel which I felt sure I’d be blogging about by name, encouraging you all to run out and buy. It’s been a while since I’ve read anything I found so engaging.

I was staying up late to read and reaching for the book within minutes of my eyelids opening. All other pursuits and activities were put on hold as I read eager to discover what happened next. After investing half the weekend reading I’d made significant progress.

person-731165_960_720And then the character moved to a different situation, and my interest began to wane. I slogged through increasing boredom, knowing the situation would have to change soon. Surely? Multiple chapters later I was still stuck in the same place. I started to skip pages, then whole chapters and still I was stuck in the swamp of boredom.

As I closed the book for the last time on Sunday evening I know the swamp is coming to the end. The character is about to change setting, drawing this section to a close.

The only problem is I’m not sure I care any more. Even though the story before this point was great, I’ve lost interest. The book will probably return to its former glory, but what if it doesn’t? As I feel now I may never finish the book.

Perhaps the fault is my own. Maybe in those skipped pages and chapters I’ve missed some crucial element, that would have made the boredom worthwhile. But I doubt it.

I feel as though I was knocked out of the story. Boring bits cost the goodwill of the reader, and if the cost is too high the book goes down. Chances are, I’ll be more hesitant to pick up a book by the same author again. The realisation of just how detrimental boring bits are, has caused me to be even more wary of writing them in the future.

For the next month I don’t plan to do much writing, if any, with the exception of blogging. I have some programming that I need to do. I’m involved in running a men’s group at my church, and to help it to run smoother I need to develop some software.

I suspect it will be a considerable amount of work; hopefully I can get it done within a month. Then I’ll be back to writing (which I’m already looking forward too).

Skit: Mates Stick Together

About a month ago I blogged about a bit of fun that I’d had experimenting with skit (short-play) writing. I thought I’d share it and then provide some brief explanations as to the choices I made while writing it.

The skit was designed for church, as a bit of a promo of Men’s Ministry. The purpose of the men’s ministry is to support the men of the church, and to build a culture of doing life together. Life can be hard and it is important that we have some close mates or other men we trust who we can rely on. They can help or give a slap on the back of the head (Gibbs-style) as required.

I’m also passionate about healthy marriages. If the relationship between spouses is good, it is a blessing to the entire family unit. And marriage can be hard. Really hard. My early years of marriage would have been a lot easier if I’d had someone who could give experience-earned wisdom.

And so it is with these two foci that I wrote this skit.


As you probably noticed I hit on several themes: mateship, marriage difficulties, work stresses, pornography/lust.

The way it plays out in my head also contains some humour: the prancing of the devil, the devil eating the husband’s snacks, the man in the towel with a frying pan. I was hoping that the humour lightens the subject matter and provides something that will be remembered.

There is also a good helping of truth in the skit:

  • How the man and woman are biblically supposed to act toward one another.
  • How a wise person’s response to challenge is to ask for help.
  • How we should be there for one another in times of need, even if it means abandoning all considerations of fashion sense or pride.
  • Even with others willing to help, they can’t help unless we agree to be helped.

And that, dear readers, is my first attempt at writing a skit.